Gonna share with you an excerpt from my journal today in the hopes that you might keep it near your prayer heart.
Well God I suppose it’s happened with every mother from Eve to the one that just gave birth today just moments ago…no matter how You created within us a mother heart, if we have one, and desire to follow you, there comes a point in time when with great difficulty we release our clenched fists which hang onto these precious ones that we’ve been offered the privilege to care for. Think I just realized tonight why my heart hurts way deep. Think you’re asking for me to take my hearts fists off that which was never mine in the first place. Don’t know that there’s been another time when I’ve wanted to hold on any tighter to anything in my life, or fight with anymore of a vengeance to my right to these feelings of ownership in some ways. These little guys have become a part of me, some days I feel like they’ve become the best part of me, and I want to hang onto them. I want to watch them grow everyday, I want to pray with them every night, I want to walk them through the moments of life. I want to always play the I love you game with Francisco and montan de pico’s with Mario. God that may happen, I may get that privilege, and I may not. That’s not really the point though is it?! The point really is whether I’ll trust you. The point really is relinquishing my control and trusting yours. The point really is that being a “mother” doesn’t mean hanging on with both fists to them, it means hanging on with both fists to you and trusting that You (the one who gave them to my heart in the first place) will take better care of them than I ever could. God help me. Help my selfishness, my arrogance, my disbelief, my pride. Help my heart in every way you know I need it. Tonight God I lay on the altar, Antonio, Francisco, Mario, Marvin, and Yovani and I release these clenched fists that are scared to death to lose them ever. I accept being a part of your plan for them, whatever that part may be, and I beg for You to work out Your perfect plan (not my ideal plan) for their lives. Do within them every single day what might cause them to love you most and grow into warriors for You. God I came to be a “director” or a “manager” of this home, this House of Hope and somehow those words just don’t really come close, direct and manage. I didn’t know it would mean learning so much about how to open your heart up and love, to develop a mother’s love for children you never gave birth to but couldn’t tell your heart the difference, I never knew it would mean learning so much about You in these moments. Thank You for all the lessons You had waiting that I had no clue about. Once again God today I will choose to trust You when my heart is afraid and You will bring peace because You love me and are are faithful. Be patient with this new momma heart You’ve grown within me, cause loving this much in such a genuine vulnerable way is all new territory, scary for your heart to feel so exposed. I will do my very best to follow as You lead, but I need you to continue to stir and sift and tell me to let go when I’m trying to hang on to them instead of hanging on to You and trusting You to hang onto them. I love You Father more than I ever could have without understanding more clearly how difficult it had to have been for You to give up Your Son for me. Help me to love like that, grow in me a love like that!
Here’s Day 4 from 31 Days of Praise…
I love You, Father, because You first loved me and sent Your Son to atone for my sins. And I stand amazed that Jesus, who by nature had always been God, did not cling to His rights as Your equal…that He laid aside all His privileges, to be born as a human being…that He totally humbled Himself, submitting to the death of a common criminal, enduring infinite humiliation and pain…that on the cross You laid on Him the compressed weight of all my sin and guilt and shame, of all my griefs and sorrows, and He became sin for me, dying the death I deserved.
And how much I praise You that it was impossible for death to hold Him in its power…that You raised Him from the dead to be my Savior, to make me righteous in Your sight…that You highly exalted Him, giving Him a position infinitely superior to any conceivable command, authority, power, or control, both natural and supernatural. Thank You that He is the Great High Priest…that He is able to save me completely, for He lives forever and prays for me, and for all of us who have come to You through Him. I glorify You, my Father, with gratefulness and joy.
And I bow at the feet of Him who was dead, and is now alive forever and ever. I exalt Him, I yield myself to Him, for He is worthy of the total response of my being. “Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power and riches and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing.”